Maybe This Time
by Adrienne2
Summary: Luka reflects on his relationship with Abby.
1. Maybe This Time

"Maybe This Time"

"Maybe This Time"

By Adrienne

Author's Note: Sort of a companion story to "Uncertainty"; it's told from Luka's point of view.

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters.

Spoilers: Through "Survival of the Fittest"

It's 3:00 am, and yet again I find that I cannot sleep. There are so many thoughts running through my head that it's impossible to relax. I look over at Abby. She's lying on her side, facing me, fast asleep. Her face is troubled, in the middle of a bad dream. I want to wake her up and hold her, but she needs her sleep. I wonder what she's dreaming about, if she's dreaming about me.

I look out the window and it's snowing outside, though it's already April. I remember last year it snowed in April too. I was barbecuing with Carol and now here I am beside Abby. I've come a long way in a year. 

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Carol hadn't gone to Seattle. I don't think I was in love with her, but I was getting there. She reminded me so much of Danijela, not just in the way she looked, but in her gentle voice and sad smile. And then there were Kate and Tess, two children without a father. I thought that perhaps I could have a family again, but it wasn't meant to be. Carol was in love with another man, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where she truly loved someone else. She broke my heart at first, but time heals wounds, and now I really am happy for her, because I have moved on too.

I never expected to become involved with Abby. First of all, she was a med student, and therefore off-limits. I also thought she was married, and that sealed it. That night that she kissed me in the ambulance bay, I was taken by surprise. I had always thought she was beautiful and kind, but certainly not interested in me. The kiss was sweet and innocent, and for the first time in a long time I felt that feeling go through my body, the blood rush and tingle in my stomach. If she hadn't been called off to care for a patient, I think I would've kissed her again.

And then came the first date. She was radiant, funny, charming, thoroughly intoxicating. I was looking forward to seeing her again. Strange how fate can turn the tables on you when you least expect it. When I killed that man, I lost control, I wasn't thinking. Then I realized I had become as heartless as the people who destroyed my country and murdered my family. If Abby hadn't been there I'm not sure I would be here today. She forced me to accept help, but in all of my self-pity and gloom, I was blind to the fact that she needed someone as much as I did.

She had never talked about her mother before, and when Maggie showed up, I knew why. I hated to see how Maggie hurt her, but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even help myself, so how could I possibly support another person? Some nights I thought I heard her crying, but was so selfish that I never bothered to inquire or comfort her. I still don't understand why Abby stayed with me, especially after the way I treated her for so long.

Looking at her now, I realize how lucky I am. I have had so much love in my life. Danijela, Marko, Jasna, and now Abby. I want to tell her how I feel, but I know she wants to take this slow. She was so hurt by her ex-husband. We both have baggage and pasts filled with dark memories and I want it to work out this time. Love isn't easy, and although we've already been through so much, I know there will be more to come. When Maggie comes back next time, I have promised myself that I will be there for Abby, I will be the one who comforts her and tells her that everything will be all right. Because maybe this time everything _will_ be all right.

I lean over and kiss Abby's forehead, and whisper, for the first time out loud, "I love you." She stirs slightly, and I gather her in my arms, taking in her sweet scent and savoring every moment that we're lying here together. 


	2. Breathing

"Breathing"

"Breathing"

By: Adrienne

Author's Note: A sort of follow-up to "Maybe this Time"

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character of "ER" or the song used in this fic, "Breathing" by Lifehouse

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm finding my way back to sanity again

Though I don't really know what

I'm gonna do when I get there

Take a breath and hold on tight

Spin around one more time

And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Love's a funny thing. Not funny as in a good joke, but funny as in strange. Love can sneak up on you when you least expect it, and affect you in ways like nothing else can. It's an emotion, a feeling, a need and an obsession. Love is like nothing else known to this world, nor, I imagine, to any other. With it, you're elated, in ecstasy; without it, it's difficult to feel anything at all.

I first fell in love at the age of sixteen. You might ask what any sixteen-year-old knows about love, but when I first kissed her, I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Her name was Danijela, and she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. When we were twenty, we were married, and I thought our lives would be perfect. Jasna and Marko came several years later, and I had everything I wanted. A wife, a family, and I was a doctor. I thought nothing could go wrong.

Then war broke out. I loved my country, but I didn't want to fight, I had more important things to worry about. The war went on for years, and it seemed like there was no end in sight. Then one fateful day I went to the market for some groceries and the air strike whistle went off. When I got to my apartment, Marko was already dead. I tried to save Danijela and Jasna, but there was nothing I could do; I sat there and watched my wife and little girl die.

I died with them that day; I was lost and spent the next decade wandering around Europe and finally coming to America, hoping to start my life over. I carried with me only a single picture of Danijela and Jasna, but I was always seeing them in the middle of the crowd, seeing their smiles and hearing their voices. I missed them so much that it became a physical pain, and for years I teetered on the brink of despair. And then I met Abby, and everything changed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am looking past the shadows

Of my mind into the truth and

I'm trying to identify

The voices in my head

God, which one's you?

Let me feel one ore time

What it feels like to feel

And break these calluses off of me

One more time

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There's so much about Abby that I can't explain. Why our relationship has survived, what it is that haunts her, why she has trouble telling me how she feels, but the one thing I'm sure of is how I feel about her.

When Danijela died, I thought I would never love any woman again; I didn't want to love again. If I would do so much as look at a woman, it felt like I was betraying Danijela's memory. With Abby, it's different. I've been able to leave the past behind and realize that life goes on, and perhaps this is even what Danijela would have wanted. I'll never forget her, though. She was my first love and the mother of my children. She'll always be in my memory as she was on that first day I kissed her; beautiful and sweet, always smiling.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's all right, all right with me

Cause I want nothing more than to sit

Outside your door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At night after we make love, I lay awake and watch Abby as she sleeps. It's so peaceful; the only sound I hear is her soft breathing, rhythmic and steady. The moonlight falls through the window and onto her body, giving her an ethereal glow. She's beautiful, and every time I look at her, she takes my breath away. I love everything about her. The way it's impossible to wake her up in the morning, the way her entire face lights up when she smiles, how she tries to be strong when I know her heart is breaking inside. She's always on my mind and I would do anything to make her happy. 

She's the only one I can see myself with. I know I'd like to marry Abby and start a family, but I also know how much her ex-husband hurt her, so I'm taking it slow. I hate Richard not for the person he is, but for how much he hurt Abby. She can't trust anyone very easily, and at times it's hard for her to trust and confide things in me. It hurts me not because she won't tell me things, but because she's so scared of being hurt again. 

I trace the outline of her face and kiss her lips. She opens her eyes slightly and gives me a soft smile, before drifting off back to sleep. I wrap my arms tightly around Abby, as if protecting her from the world. I promise myself that this is forever, and fall asleep to the sound of her breathing. Love is a wonderful thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's all right, all right with me

Cause I want nothing more than to sit

Outside your door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
